i miss.
Posted by felicia
on September 05, 2005 at 13:38:35:
i miss my bed. i miss quiet. i miss seacoast worship. i miss not living with 20 or so other people. i miss not living at the office. i miss not being able to do what i want when i want. i miss not living in a space more than the size of a shoe box. i miss starbucks runs. i miss not being soooo poor. i miss my friends....a lot. i miss a time when things were not complicated between friends that i live thousands of miles apart from. sometimes i actually miss having a "real" job. i certianly miss having a paycheck. i miss benjamin. i miss driving without having to pay for every mile. i miss washing clothes for free. i miss normal life....whatever that is. i guess i miss having a life at all. this is not what it's meant to me is it. no, not really. we're meant to have a full life, Jesus said. so how come we think we are meant to be miserable and poor for His sake. that has to be the dumbest thing i've ever heard. giving up, releasing, having no hold on earthly things, yes, yes. i've heard it before. that's not what i miss. i miss simplicity. i miss the room to take a deep breath and sigh...and not having to talk about it as though it is a sign that there is a desperate problem. so come on, bring it on. show me this full life that i know i'm meant to have. bring on the beauty of this life in it's glory.
i can tell you that part of it lives way down the hill in ferguslie park, one of the darkest and bleakest places i've even been in. part of it is written on a tattered bit of paper pressed in the pages of my bible...."worship is singin songs...". some of it is captured on pages of photographic paper. WHERE IS THE REST! i refuse to accept this shadow of what i know life can be. trust me i am not saying i left a perfect home behind, anyone who knows me knows the real story. but there was at one point a fullness and richness that i drank in every day. i remember thinking it must be too good to be true. but it wasn't. it was real. it was my life. the colors were brighter and the smells richer. and the breeze more refreshing. so i know it's there. i know it's here too. i've seen it. i've seen it in the sunsets. i've seen it in the tears. i've tasted it in the kisses and seen it on the train. i've seen it in the faces of young scots. i've felt it in my hands as i've painted and buried stones of destiny in the sand. i've found it in pebbles left behind in my pockets. i've seen it on the streets of glasgow and on the battlefields in culloden. i've heard it in the prayers and in the worship. i've sensed it in the hope, and the lack of hope. i heard it in the breathy, yet still and small voice whispering.....call them forth. come to the land i've shown you. i know it. i've seen and tasted it. i know that i know that i know. i have a purpose for being here. that i also know. i have relationships with those whom i am to call forth. and i'm doing it. but how can i say with truth....this is a life you want, if i haven't got joy or a life full of color and sweetness and richness. how can i say all of your hardship and that which you will be persecuted for is truly worth it.
i don't want to overspiritualise this. i won't feel guilty and condemned for wanting what i've been promised by God Himself. I am my beloved's and He is mine. of course He wants a full life for me as well. i believe these are desires His desires for me.
i am called to scotland. i love scotland. i love the kids that i work with. i see God's hand upon them, shaping and moving them. i am so thankful to be here. i lay in my bed and think, i'm really here. i was in asda or somewhere the other day listening to kids talking about a book, it struck me, those are not american accents. i'm actually here in the land i'd been so desperate for. i'm here. thank God that He brought me here. so, i'm here. He's got me where He wants me for such a time as this....what does it look like in full? i don't want to mourn for what i've left, because i've gained a step into my destiny... but maybe that time of grieving has not yet been completed. maybe i expect too much. i am afraid of being this honest sometimes. i'm afraid that people, who will not understand, will expect me to pack my bags and come home because - boo hoo, this is hard. screw that.
i don't give up, and i won't give in to mediocrity. i want all that i'm meant to have. i want to pour out all that i can, every drop.
know that this is part of carving out my place here. i am telling you the truth. i won't sugar coat it and make it look and sound pretty, sorry, but i won't. this is my life. this is my story. this is a chapter.
it's this...carving. chipping a way into. it's work. it's toil. it's blood, sweat and tears. it's love. and i want it all.
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Re: i miss.
Posted by
nicole on September 14, 2005 at 15:27:02:
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Re: i miss.
Posted by
andrea on September 20, 2005 at 20:29:22:
hi hun i jst wnt to say ur the best n tht im glad tht u made time to come and work with us u r the best n we all love u loads thts why u should get more help off others cause we all need ur help in our clubs and a friend to talk too and a hand to help which u do
Re: i miss.
Posted by
andrea on September 27, 2005 at 20:07:30:
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