tea and boats.

September 10, 2005
i have a friend who is teaching english in china for 10 months. she posted a blog about missing cheese grits, sweet tea and super target. this was my reply...and i wanted to share it with you...
Yeah. I know what you mean. well not the china part. but the want for something "normal" like target or sweet tea or in my case a good friend and trip to the movies or not paying double for everything i buy .
it's strange isn't it how the amount of time we see can seem like our entire, entire life. as though we'll be dead at the end of the 10 months or 2 years, that this is all we get to live....maybe you don't feel that way, but i do. for some reason i feel like i'm missing out on everything i'm supposed to be doing because i'm here, in the hardest place i've ever been. i'm beginning to realise the battle involved in this. it's freakin hard, not because i'm a bad and selfish person or pathetic "missionary". but partly because we don't battle against flesh and blood. my every waking moment is a major fight, and i doubt it stops when i eventually fall asleep. so it's no wonder is it, i just want to run far away. far, far, far away into the arms of someone who will console and comfort me and kiss all the wounds better, someone who will stroke my hair until i fall asleep in contentment. but that isn't my reality even though it's what my soul screams for. my reality is more like a small wooden boat drifting out to sea in the midst of a storm...it's not knocked off course but...it's getting lashed, battered and bruised. the little boat will wear marks of this time. there will be stories one day of victory and safe passage. but all that surrounds the tiny vessel is so overwhelming the sight of future hope is drowned out. this is hard. and i will survive, of that i'm sure...it just doesn't feel like it. my eyes are slowly opening to more and more. i can see more of the reality of this time and this place. it's not at all what i expected...trust me....not at all. however, i know that one day i when it's all said and done and i'll know. and i'll be so grateful for this time of training, preparation, refining, moulding, pruning, dying, cultural immersion, and desperation. i will be better for it. it is necessary for where i'm going. i'm going into deeper and harder places one day. it is a long struggle.
God told me this morning that He has annointed and appointed me. i must have what i need to complete the task before me. again...it just doesn't feel like it. i find so much comfort in the fact that david was also desperate and cried out to God, that he also struggled and sinned. and after all of that God still beamed and said "He's a man after My heart".
if only i could just drive over that cooper river for a cheese burger, fries and sweet iced tea (with free refills) from the boulevard diner. i think that would make everything better, don't you?
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i miss.

September 05, 2005
i miss my bed. i miss quiet. i miss seacoast worship. i miss not living with 20 or so other people. i miss not living at the office. i miss not being able to do what i want when i want. i miss not living in a space more than the size of a shoe box. i miss starbucks runs. i miss not being soooo poor. i miss my friends....a lot. i miss a time when things were not complicated between friends that i live thousands of miles apart from. sometimes i actually miss having a "real" job. i certianly miss having a paycheck. i miss benjamin. i miss driving without having to pay for every mile. i miss washing clothes for free. i miss normal life....whatever that is. i guess i miss having a life at all. this is not what it's meant to me is it. no, not really. we're meant to have a full life, Jesus said. so how come we think we are meant to be miserable and poor for His sake. that has to be the dumbest thing i've ever heard. giving up, releasing, having no hold on earthly things, yes, yes. i've heard it before. that's not what i miss. i miss simplicity. i miss the room to take a deep breath and sigh...and not having to talk about it as though it is a sign that there is a desperate problem. so come on, bring it on. show me this full life that i know i'm meant to have. bring on the beauty of this life in it's glory.
i can tell you that part of it lives way down the hill in ferguslie park, one of the darkest and bleakest places i've even been in. part of it is written on a tattered bit of paper pressed in the pages of my bible...."worship is singin songs...". some of it is captured on pages of photographic paper. WHERE IS THE REST! i refuse to accept this shadow of what i know life can be. trust me i am not saying i left a perfect home behind, anyone who knows me knows the real story. but there was at one point a fullness and richness that i drank in every day. i remember thinking it must be too good to be true. but it wasn't. it was real. it was my life. the colors were brighter and the smells richer. and the breeze more refreshing. so i know it's there. i know it's here too. i've seen it. i've seen it in the sunsets. i've seen it in the tears. i've tasted it in the kisses and seen it on the train. i've seen it in the faces of young scots. i've felt it in my hands as i've painted and buried stones of destiny in the sand. i've found it in pebbles left behind in my pockets. i've seen it on the streets of glasgow and on the battlefields in culloden. i've heard it in the prayers and in the worship. i've sensed it in the hope, and the lack of hope. i heard it in the breathy, yet still and small voice whispering.....call them forth. come to the land i've shown you. i know it. i've seen and tasted it. i know that i know that i know. i have a purpose for being here. that i also know. i have relationships with those whom i am to call forth. and i'm doing it. but how can i say with truth....this is a life you want, if i haven't got joy or a life full of color and sweetness and richness. how can i say all of your hardship and that which you will be persecuted for is truly worth it.
i don't want to overspiritualise this. i won't feel guilty and condemned for wanting what i've been promised by God Himself. I am my beloved's and He is mine. of course He wants a full life for me as well. i believe these are desires His desires for me.
i am called to scotland. i love scotland. i love the kids that i work with. i see God's hand upon them, shaping and moving them. i am so thankful to be here. i lay in my bed and think, i'm really here. i was in asda or somewhere the other day listening to kids talking about a book, it struck me, those are not american accents. i'm actually here in the land i'd been so desperate for. i'm here. thank God that He brought me here. so, i'm here. He's got me where He wants me for such a time as this....what does it look like in full? i don't want to mourn for what i've left, because i've gained a step into my destiny... but maybe that time of grieving has not yet been completed. maybe i expect too much. i am afraid of being this honest sometimes. i'm afraid that people, who will not understand, will expect me to pack my bags and come home because - boo hoo, this is hard. screw that.
i don't give up, and i won't give in to mediocrity. i want all that i'm meant to have. i want to pour out all that i can, every drop.
know that this is part of carving out my place here. i am telling you the truth. i won't sugar coat it and make it look and sound pretty, sorry, but i won't. this is my life. this is my story. this is a chapter.
it's this...carving. chipping a way into. it's work. it's toil. it's blood, sweat and tears. it's love. and i want it all.
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because He's worthy.

August 12, 2005
i'm at the seamill centre now as i'm typing this. this weekend we celebrate the marriage of one of our school leaders. it's a bit of a reunion about 1/3 of my dts class will be here by sunday. it's been soooo nice to talk and laugh and cry and drink coffee and have meals together. just like old times.
there really are people in this world that are completely irreplaceable - no one can even begin to touch the place that they posses in your heart.
i've been desperate for a revelation. i've been aching for it. i've been in what has seemed to be an endless place of frustration, so much so that my body has been beginning to react to it. my shoulders and neck are so tense that i've had a migrane for 3 days. i've wrestled and wrestled with the question of what am i doing?!?!?!?! did i make a mistake, what is this about, who, what, how, where and all that.
last night when being completely and brutaly open with thomas the answer came. it was nearly 2:30 in the morning, i was verbalising how i don't understand anything but the one thing i do know is that we can do anything because God is worth it. tears immediately followed the words. i finally understand what all of this is about. i finally know why i am here and how i can get through this time that is so hard. it is all worth it, not only because there will be change in the lives of the children and youth here, not only because- God willing, there will be a change in scotland, not only because i will be changed, regardless of any of the goals and expectations i've set or that have been set including me, nevermind any of it. i don't want to carry it anymore.
i can do this because He is worthy.
i can give up my rites. i can sacrifice what is asked of me. i can push forward. i can fight. i can stand. even if all i can do is stand because He is worthy.
i can only live moment by moment. i can't predict what it looks like. but at least i have a goal. my goal is to lay it all down...again.
because.
He is worthy.
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homesick?

August 01, 2005
what is this deal with homesickness anyway. i can relate and i understand it when others feel this way. but then when i feel lonely or feel like i want to go running for home...i'm frustrated.
i think to myself, how long and hard i toiled at heart to get here. how many tears i sobbed desperate to leave behind all that i knew. once i finally arrived i felt relief mixed with fear and shock. i looked so forward to meeting up with old faces and something familiar, even if it's a familiar thing that i don't like such as the heat and humidity. the temperature hasn't left the 60s...nearly at all really...no matter how much i HATE temperatures in the 100s with 100% humidity, i miss it. i miss being able to know where to go to get what i need. i miss being able to walk around harris teeter at 2 in the morning. i miss driving to the beach because i need to think. i miss the worship at seacoast. i miss the smell of charleston. i miss my neice growing up. i miss walmart photo lab. i miss the village tavern and cumberlands. i miss king st. at night. i miss people who aren't even in charleston any more. i miss starbucks and mochas that don't cost $6. i miss my bed that doesn't make my back hurt. i miss a quiet house. i miss people not talking nonsense all the time - why is it that people can not just be quiet. i miss having a washing machine and dryer that i don't have to pay $6 to use. i miss having my own kitchen, my own bathroom, my own escape. private hideaways where no one else can go. i miss my movies, ones that i like, not just borrowing from someone else. i miss having a dresser and a closet. i miss making my own schedule. i miss being able to lay on my floor and spread out my art supplies to create. i miss sitting through a church service without being interupted by having to tell children to shush or stop hitting and kicking or sit down or give me that lighter.
i also miss andolinis and the mustard seed and earthfare. i miss the terrace theatre. i miss the grand palmetto grande. i miss my netflix!
i miss my friends. i was home for so long, but not long enough.
i have no outlet here of people who will allow me to be completely free...there is always some need to be proper. some need to be a leader and always on - if you know what i mean, not that i fake who i am when i lead, but i can't always say or do what i feel like. it's almost like if i can't be with someone i trust just to be angry and scream and shout out all that is in my guts i'll explode.
how is it that homesickness can feel more like frustration for not having access to all the things that i miss. i don't feel weepy and sad about it. i do feel like it'd do me good to punch some stuff...maybe that's exactly what i should do.
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